Where has it gone?

I didn't remember the first 3 years of my life after I was born. No, not even a single image that exists in my head that I can confirm. Starting from the age of four, things started to get a little clearerl; there are certain events I can recall from actually being a toddler. Even so, I suspect some of these memories are pieces of what's left of my toddler days. I think that there are some two to three year old events I have mistakenly thought they have happened at the age of four. Oh well, where's the line that distinguishes between age when we're kids that young except for birthday cakes and the numbers of candles on it? When I was a kid, everything seemed huge and everywhere with a space big enough for me to fit in is a playground. Time was indefinite, that is... until my first social duty kicks in; School.

I remember there was this once I still didn't know how to count, I was probably four (kids nowadays can do division at six, talk about what the f**k.) I was trying to make sense out of the ritual of tearing off calender pages at every 'month'. I didn't know what month and year was, but I was sure as hell trying to crack my head just to figure out the difference. That was just a one off experience when I was in my dad's old car on the way to pick up my mom from her work.

The good old days, when I'm still a good kid listening to whatever he says. I just remembered that I will always say yes to going out with my parents, or even just with one of them whenever the situation arise. I was almost too eager to say yes to begin with. The night drives when in his car was fun, it was a journey to look forward to. To see my mom for the first time in the day (it was at night though...), and then to go home together. I would look for things to do, because I sure as hell couldn't appreciate musics playing in the car radio back then. That was also the first time my fascination for the world beyond the sky grew. Stars were so captivating, and whatever that remains out there. You see, back then in the 1980s, KL wasn't half as bright as it is now during night time. You could still see the stars clearly, and the sky is filled with them. Almost too beautiful. My stupidity kicked in when I blurted out to my dad in the car "WHY IS THE MOON FOLLOWING US?!" I never get to find out why until many years later.

In retrospect, I regret the day I learn to say no. Saying no to him when he said he's going out to pick up my mom, to go to places. I thought saying that would mean I was growing up, at least, to be not as dependent on my parents. What a fool, I clearly misinterpreted things back then. I'm not sure now that the first time I said that, I may have caused some hurt. Was I not filial? I sure hope not. I'm pretty sure now that if I had not say no, I'd have more fond memories of them now, especially my mother's. Y'know the days when Subang Parade was all the hype back then? I wish it still is now.

Two decades later, I'm an adult now, and my family has been through much. Almost too much. The past few years came and passed too fast, as compared to the days when I was four, a month seemed like a year. Right now a month seemed like a week. I guess it's because we simply have too much on our plate, too many things to do, too many things to think, to plan about... and we hardly have anytime ourselves, to do things we want to do. I remember reading this somewhere, that time is a mischievous little kid; when we are having fun, when we are enjoying ourselves, it would run away from us, steal our time away, but when we are having a hard time, being bored, it would not go away, and it seemed like these time would linger on forever.

Come to think of it now, I didn't realise how much I love my younger brothers. Oh well, I gotta stop ranting now. Time to work.